Sometimes I hate life so much that I feel the need to end it. Other times I love it, and would hate to leave. Most of the time I feel like God isn’t around. Sometimes I wonder why he put me on this Earth. I feel like I have done nothing, but disappoint him. If I died I would probably go to Hell even though I have asked Jesus in my heart more than once. I have always questioned the existence of God. When I lost my grandmother I hated God for Him taking her away from me. If God loved me so much why does he let me feel alone. Why can’t he just come to me in person. I have a hard time believing people, so much sometimes I question if God is actually real.
“Believe in God” I have been told that my whole life. “If you don’t accept Jesus into your heart you will go to Hell.” So I have accepted Jesus in my heart but I still think that if I were to die right now that I would go to Hell. In a way I have almost accepted it. I have done a lot of bad things in my life, and I wonder if God really wants me anymore. I wonder if he has anymore love and compassion to give me.
Why is it that even though God is always with me; why do I feel so alone all the time? Sometimes I think that he has left me, like he did with Jesus when He was on the cross. The mental pain is too much for me to bare sometimes that I feel a need to create a physical pain so I know why I am hurting. Other times I feel like I need to physically punish myself and always have a reminder of what I did. The scars I have are ugly. They show who I am as a person. I hide the scars on my wrist so that people won’t ask me why I did that. Or so that way people won’t know how messed up I am.
I have no innocence. I stole my own innocence at a young age. If I could go back and change things I would. I hate what I did to myself. I wish I never started. I hate it. I hate who I have become. I hate who I am. I hate what I have done.
People say “let’s pray” I just close my eyes because I never like to pray. I hate it when people say they want to pray for me because I feel obligated to pray. Praying should be something that you want to do. Not something that you feel like you should do. Anyway I feel like God would never hear me.
There was a time that my life was turning around. I was praying for people. I would pray almost every week at my softball games. I felt like I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt closer to God. But, now I feel like I am stuck in this pit of darkness. Every time I try to climb out I only fall back in. “Struggles Only Make Me Stronger” sometimes I feel like “Struggles Only Defeat Me.” The question that is always in my mind is; if God is actually real, why does He let me think this?”