I constantly worry what others are thinking about me.
When I am driving, and I am trying to turn left I always feel like the person behind me is judging me. That I am taking too long to turn. I always feel like the other drivers are judging my every move when I am on the road.
I freak out inside when someone looks at me in public because I think something is wrong with me (stain on my shirt, something on my face, or they think I look terrible). When a stranger smiles at me in public I think they are internally laughing at me not, just being nice.
It is not just with strangers in public, but also with my friends. I constantly think they are annoyed with me. That they are done being my friend. Everyday I think that.
If I send one of them a text, and they haven't replied 10 mins later this is what goes through my head,
"Are they done being my friend?"
"Are they ignoring me?"
"Have they just taken this long to reply in to try to get a point across that they don't want to talk to me?"
"Are they trying to drift apart?"
"Is it something I did?"
"Have I annoyed them?"
And so many other thoughts would go through my mind until finally they respond.
Then I think "OK good they aren't done being my friend." But alas I can't have a moment of peace because then I think, "Wait! What if they are responding because they feel sorry for me?" And so many other thoughts.
With my friends, I am so afraid I am going to lose them. A lot of them know so much about me, and I feel like if I lose them then, I will lose someone that I trust. The only problem is that I let my mind get to me, and I think that people don't want to be my friend anymore because I have too many problems. It's just that I am not close to my parents so, my friends are the ones who I turned to.
I feel like my mind won't give me a moment of peace. Everyday I wonder what is wrong with me. What is that people don't like about me. It is frustrating because I have guys friends and I know a lot of guys. I tend to think what it is about me that is undesirable to guys. Why hasn't one guy I know or have seen come up to me, or just asked me out on a date or asked for my number.
See I have always had the dream of being a wife and a mother. The only problem is that I need a husband to be those things, but first I need a boyfriend. My entire life I have been single, I have never kissed a guy, held a guy's hand, or been on a date. Instead of thinking, "Well, it is their lost." I think, "What is wrong with me?" "Did I do something?" "What do I need to change about myself for them to like me?"
I have to remind myself that there is nothing I need to change about myself. People are my friends for a reason. They are not ignoring me. They do care about me. It is a constant battle that I deal with. I have a friend who always tell me not to worry about what others think, but it is something that I have always done. I try to remind myself of 1 Peter 5:7 which says "Cast all your anxiety onto Him because He cares."
That verse is so true. God cares for you. He cares about your worries and your anxiety. He loves you, more than anyone. He made you, you. You don't need to change anything about yourself because He made you the way you are for a reason. He doesn't make mistakes. You are who you are for a reason, and don't let anyone change that about you. Nothing is wrong with you (me).
Have a great day! And don't forget to smile!